Doing some work on myself

I saw the fat lazy guy (http://thefatlazyguyslog.blogspot.com/) on Campbell Live and as a result this blog has started. I have been really inspired by reading through the archive of his blog and realising he was just like I am now and struggling with overeating and no exercise too. Our reasons for getting this way are different. He recently posted that change for him really came as a result of going to the psychologist and reading "Reinventing your life."
So I ordered it from the library and picked it up yesterday. I had an afternoon spent in tears as I confronted some old demons which I thought I'd put behind me but in actual fact, I've just buried them under my weight. I eat to avoid feeling vulnerable... which I do whenever I feel criticised or under any sort of attack. And that's because my life trap is Defectiveness - I had someone tell me daily as a child that I was fat and ugly and treat me as an OCD person does - they wouldn't touch me, touch anything I had touched, would clean stuff before using them (like remotes and chairs) if I had touched them. So I quite clearly felt that something (what??) was wrong with me and absorbed that message into my psyche.

If someone criticises me, I feel like they are coming close to discovering the truth, that horrid thing about me that made that treatment my fault, and so get very very defensive. At the same time I also get quite critical of others. And being with my husband has also been a big trigger.... some day he might find it too and leave. more thoughts to come but kids are demanding my attention...

Weigh in 1

Right so actually first blog should've noted the fact that I was 115kg.

This blog will note that today I am 114kg.

1 kg loss. It's hard not to just put that down to having a poop before weigh in.

Small wins since I last posted:
- Each week I have walked 5km x once.
- This week I have tried to buy much much smaller portions of treats - i.e. single serve. (again - hard not to think of that as a stupid thing).
- Am drinking more water.

Am really having to fight my negativity. Those wins are pathetic. I want to put in some SHOULD sentences but I've read today that they are counter-productive.

Big ups to the Fat Lazy guy....

In the beginning

Once upon a time (actually quite recently) a fat girl (BMI = 38.9 aka very obese) decided it was time she really got serious about losing weight and getting fit. Hence this little journal.
Holy crap - just read that a bmi of 39 and above = morbidly obese. How is that possible?! I'm not one of "those" fat people. I seem them and think "Surely I'm not as big as that??!!" And somehow I have completely deluded myself into thinking that I'm fine - just plump... maybe even a bit fat but no way was I THAT big.

It makes me want to go to the doctor. I'm scared. I am 33 and if I don't do anything, I am more likely to die young than normal weight people..... and I'd guess the quality of my life would be less as well.

am majorly depressed now.